~ The Letter ~

by

Axel Earl

Luke sealed the letter into an envelope, carefully filling out the address and licking the stamp. It was done. It was finally done. The letter that he had sat down to write countless times was finished and ready to be mailed. He tucked it into his briefcase so it could be dropped off at the post office on his way to work. He wouldn’t mail it from home so it wouldn’t be found in the mailbox and raise suspicions. He walked upstairs to bed, wondering what would lie ahead.

While Luke brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas, he thought back across the years. He remembered the day there had been a fifty-fifth birthday party for Gloria at a bar after work. That was when he actually found out just what her age was. He had known of course that Gloria was quite a bit older than he was, but that’s when he realized the woman he desperately longed for was twenty years his senior. It didn’t matter. It certainly hadn’t changed anything to find out exactly what the age difference was. By that time, he had long passed being hopelessly smitten. Just a half year earlier at the same bar, at a post-work Christmas get-together as the few rounds of drinks ended and everyone said their goodbyes, Gloria had given hugs and kisses as she left. It was just a simple hug and a kiss on the cheek, but Luke held on to that moment for a long time. Not physically holding on, just mentally recalling what it was like to touch her, to actually have his arms around her, and to have his cheek so close to hers. How many years had gone by when he was hoping for something like that and it hadn’t come? He remembered a company picnic that must have been fifteen years earlier. Gloria had shown up for the picnic with a man she was dating at that time. Luke and his family had arrived just after them, and as Luke, his wife and small children walked across the field to the picnic grounds he was watching Gloria walking in front of him. She had on a short white skirt. Gloria didn’t usually wear anything that short, and he was enjoying watching the fabric swaying around her legs as she walked. For half his life, Gloria had been there with him in his thoughts, and she never even knew the effect she was having on him.

As he lay awake, he wondered if he would have the nerve to actually mail the letter. It had taken him so long to write it, to find the words that said what he felt, to convince himself that now was the right time to tell her what he felt. What if he woke up in the morning and decided that he couldn’t go through with it? No, he was committed now. All he had to do was slip the letter into the mailbox, and wait. Wait for what? What was Gloria going to do when she read the letter? Dear God, what was he doing? He had a wife and family and financial obligations. This wasn’t just playing with fire; this could end in divorce, family breakup and economic ruin. What was he thinking? Luke couldn’t help himself. He loved her. It wasn’t just physical attraction, though God knows he wanted her like he couldn’t remember ever wanting another woman. He loved her. At least, he thought he loved her. He had thought it for so long, it felt true. Was that it? Was it just an artifact of the fantasy world he had spent so many years creating in his head? There was no way back. He had to find out. He had to know what Gloria would say.

What would she say? Jesus Christ, what could she say? She could call his wife and tell her to keep her pervert husband the hell at home. She could bring allegations of sexual harassment at work that could cost him his job and keep him from being able to pay his son’s tuition bills. She could just tell certain people who would tell other people, and before you knew it everyone at work would know and they’d all be laughing at Luke behind his back... No, she wouldn’t hurt him. That was one of the reasons he loved her. Luke trusted Gloria implicitly. She wouldn’t hurt anyone, and she wouldn’t hurt him.

She might be hurt herself! Gloria might be so offended that Luke could think she would ever participate in an illicit affair that her feelings could be hurt. In twenty years of the dual life that went on inside Luke’s head, he’d never even considered that just telling her how he felt and asking her if she had any similar feelings might cause her grief. What if it did? How could he know? Luke would never hurt Gloria intentionally, neither physically or emotionally. He couldn’t help but think if that were the outcome, it would be worse than the possibilities that could affect him. Gloria hadn’t done anything wrong; she hadn’t pined away for years longing for someone outside of marriage. She didn’t deserve to feel demeaned... But Gloria was strong at her core. She knew who she was and she knew who she wasn’t. Even if she didn’t return Luke’s affection, she wouldn’t be offended by his expression of feelings. She was stronger than that.

Still, she could just say no. Quietly and without any damaging scandal or emotional fanfare, she could just say that she wasn’t interested. She could just go on about her life as though nothing had happened, and Luke would have his answer. What if she simply said no and was gone? Luke couldn’t bear that thought. All of a sudden, the prospect of that outcome hit him right in the gut. At least now he had hope. At least now he could live in his fantasy world in his head where there was hope. What if Gloria read the letter and took away all his hope? The loneliness and despair that could replace it might drag him down, down into that dark place that he hadn’t been to for many years. He didn’t want to go back. Maybe that was really what had kept Luke from writing the letter for so long. What if she just said no?

That was one hell of an ante; one hand for all the stakes. If he lost, he could lose everything he held most dear. If he won, he could win everything he held most dear. There had to be a remote chance that Gloria would say that she returned at least some of his affection. Who knows where that could lead? He wanted so to hold her in his arms and shower her with kisses. He had wanted that for so long. As he drifted off to sleep, Luke was firm in his resolve. He would mail the letter. He needed to know.