~ The Rocking Chair ~

by

Lynn Hinds

Victoria sat on the steps that lead up to the porch of their weather-beaten farmhouse in the hills of New Hampshire. Her eyes were swollen shut due to sobbing that she didn’t seem to have any control over. She wiped her tears on the apron of her dress, and looked over at the rocking chair that now seemed so empty sitting there on the porch. The breeze was gently rocking it as if it was trying to comfort her. The only sound she heard was the sound of the creak in the chair as it barely moved with the wind. She was sobbing again as she brought herself to sit in the rocker for the first time since that horrifying day. As she rocked, it took her back to where she was before the whole ordeal. The year 1853 had turned out to be the best and worst year of her life.

Victoria was torn. Torn between two worlds; one of comfort, security and simplicity. The other was a world of the unknown. A world she had not experienced since she was four. She only had one recollection of that world and it was not a pleasant one. She had tried through the years to blot that horrible memory from her mind.

The night her parents had died in the fire had become a blurred, but still painful memory. Painful partly because she could not really remember what their faces looked like anymore. For the longest time their faces were so vivid. As the years passed, their features began to fade and they disappeared into what was now a haze for her.

A woman from a Shaker village walked in the orphanage shortly after Victoria’s arrival. She was looking for several children to adopt. Since the Shakers believed in celibacy, this was their way of expanding. She had heard the woman say that Victoria was a little young, but because she had suffered such tragedy, she took pity on her, and brought her along with the others. There were four others. James who was seven, Henry was eight, Elizabeth was nine and Mary was ten. Victoria quickly adjusted to the ways of the Shaker community. Their life was simple but very peaceful. Victoria’s job was helping Elizabeth with the sheep. They were considered the outdoor workers of the family. James also worked outdoors, as a woodcutter. Mary and Henry worked indoors, learning how to make furniture and other odds and ends. The women and girls stayed in one house, and the boys and men in another. They were all considered to be sisters and brothers and that was how they were to address each other. Victoria’s caretaker, Sister Anna, was twenty-two and Victoria loved her greatly. She had quickly become her surrogate mother. She knew she was finally where she was supposed to be because it just seemed right. She felt safe and secure.

As Victoria grew older the ways of the Shakers came naturally to her. It was really all she had known. It would get painful when one of the sisters or brothers became of age and would decide not to stay on the farm. She could never understand why anyone would not stay there. Life was good. That is, until she was fifteen. Something seemed to happen in her that she could not seem to control. She would find herself crying for no apparent reason. She had tried to talk to Sister Anna about it, but she was told it was just something all young girls went through and that it would pass. But Victoria knew there was more and she was full of anxiety that was growing daily as if she was fertilizing something deep within her. Then it bloomed when she saw brother James looking at her one day as she watched the sheep. He was cutting some wood and the muscles on his arms were bulging through his shirt and the sweat was pouring off of his brows like a leaky roof. Something stirred in her from deep within and she quickly looked away and pretended not to notice him. He had looked at her many times, but today it seemed different. Maybe this was the reason Sister Anna taught her that the Shaker family keeps their distance from the opposite sex.

A week had gone by and the glances between them became more frequent. She was out by the pond that ran along the border of the farm taking a walk one brisk autumn afternoon when he came out of nowhere from the huge pine trees that lined the property. He stood there as if frozen in time. Neither one spoke for what seemed an eternity. Finally he broke the silence saying, "Hello Sister Victoria."

"Good afternoon, Brother James. What brings thee out here?" She spoke but felt short of breath as her words were forming.

"I was just out for a walk and admiring the colors on the trees. Aren’t they beautiful this time of year?" James seemed to be preoccupied but Victoria pretended not to notice.

"Yes they are. I feel so peaceful out here. We should not be here together, though."

"Victoria, I am sorry. I was not truthful with thee. I have been following thee just to be near thee. I have watched thee walk out here for so long. I followed thee to protect thee. I cannot help it and I cannot ignore these feelings anymore. I know we are not supposed to be together in this way, but I have been thinking greatly about leaving the farm when I am of age. I just do not think like the Shakers do. I am grateful for everything they have done for me, but I am almost eighteen and I know now that I want more for my life. I am just not sure how to find it, but I have known for a year that I have these feelings for thee. I promised myself that once you turned fifteen, and if I still felt this way, that I would tell thee."

Victoria was shaking but did not want James to know. How could this happen? She had been feeling odd the past few months and had noticed him staring at her, but he would always look away when their eyes would meet. She pretended to feel nothing, but now he was ruining everything by the words that were coming from his mouth.

"Stop! Stop with these words. You must not utter them again. You know the family forbids relationships. It is against God’s will for us to even be talking like this!"

"No, you stop!" James took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and when he opened them he walked closer to her and she could feel his warm breath on her cheeks that were chilled from the fall air. "Victoria, please listen to me. I am very grateful for what the family has done for me; for all of us. But I just do not go along with all of the teachings and the worship ordeals in which they participate. The last worship service I thought Anna was going to come out of her skin the way she was trembling and screaming! I just cannot stay here. When the five of us came here, I was seven. I still remember the outside world. It is not such a bad place. Well... I mean... where we were in the orphanage was not the most ideal place, but I know there is a big world out there and I think I want to be a part of it."

"James, how can you just turn your back on the family we have here?" Victoria’s head was spinning and she did not want to admit that she had been feeling unknown emotions about him as well.

"I am not turning my back. They give us a choice to leave or stay and I just think I want to explore the world and make something more of my life. I want you to be a part of that world." He was looking at her with eyes of compassion and urgency. For what seemed to be the longest moment, they just looked into each other’s eyes. Then his eyes glided down her face and focused on her lips and before she knew it, she was swept away into another yet unknown world of the love between two people. He kissed her and pulled her close, then kissed her again and she could not stop him because she never wanted it to end. She had never felt such love and her heart was pounding and she could not speak. Not another word was said as they kissed and held each other. Then, before she could catch her breath, he picked her up and carried her over behind the largest oak tree on the property. He gently laid her down and sat beside her.

"You are so beautiful, Victoria. I love thee so much it hurts me. I lay in bed at night and I have dreamed of being here with thee like this. I have watched thee walk around this pond for months. So many times I have wanted to stop thee. I could not hold it in any longer."

"I... I don’t know what to say, I am not sure what I am feeling. I know it is good, but oh, James, the family. What will...?"

Before she could finish her sentence his mouth was pressed against her lips and she felt as if she would burst. He took his fingers and opened her lips ever so gently and traced the outline of them. Then his mouth was against them again, only this time he gently massaged her lips with his tongue until it slid into her mouth and began tracing her teeth and all she could do was let go. She felt as if she was floating and he took her to heights so foreign to the both of them. He opened her blouse and untied her apron as if he were caring for a fragile piece of crystal.

Victoria jumped up and ran as fast as she could and she just kept running until suddenly his arm grabbed her and she nearly lost her balance. James pulled her close and held her in his arms. Then after they had both caught their breath, he reached down and began to button her blouse just as carefully as he had unbuttoned it. She could not move and the burning in her was just as strong when he was unbuttoning her. She could not keep her head from spinning and almost fell to the ground but he managed to catch her and pull her up ever so gently.

"Victoria, please forgive me. I would never do anything to hurt thee. I just wanted to be close to thee. We have grown up together and I have always felt protective of thee, but the more I watch thee, the more I want to be near thee. Does thou knowest how beautiful thou art?" He knew she didn’t and that was another reason that made her more beautiful to him. Her long dark hair cascaded down her back in soft curls that seemed to bounce with her every step. Her charcoal dark hair against her pale skin made her look like a porcelain doll and her blue eyes were a color he could never describe. And now those big marble eyes were looking into his with a look of fright, yet he thought at the same time, a look of desire.

"Please say that thou doest not hate me as I could never forgive myself." He wanted her to say anything at this point because she was scaring him and looked like she might faint.

"I could never hate thee, James," she said in a whisper as if someone would hear her. "I have been so confused lately and did not know what it was that was bothering me. I think maybe now I know. I am so frightened, James. You know this is forbidden for us to feel this way."

He was still holding her up and didn’t realize it and without even thinking he pulled her close again and kissed her cheek with such tenderness Victoria thought she would explode. He kissed her other cheek and her nose, then he took her face into his hands and pulled her eyes to meet his.

"Victoria, I have hidden these feelings for thee for over a year. I will not do anything to hurt our relationship with the family now. We must keep this to ourselves. They would never understand. But I will say that I want to know more about the outside world. I cannot believe that God wants us to be so isolated from other people like this. I have really been thinking that I will leave after my birthday and see what it is like."

"You, you are leaving for sure?" Victoria thought that she had swallowed an apple because the lump in her throat could not have hurt any worse than that. She looked down and tears began to pour from her eyes and she hated herself for that because she thought he would think she was being childish.

"I will come back for thee, that is, if, if thou would want me to." He was not really sure what she was thinking and feeling.

"I have known thee my whole life, yet I feel that I have just met thee. I want to know thee so much more, James. If thou leavest, thou will never come back! They never come back!" She found herself sobbing hysterically now and was, for the first time, really frightened of never seeing him again.

"Victoria!" She loved the way he spoke her name. He had spoken it so many times, but it was as if she was hearing him say it for the first time. "I love thee. I cannot help it, but I do. I promise I will come back for thee. Please do not cry. Please trust me."

He held her close and she began to relax with the comfort of his arms. She knew he meant what he said now, but she also knew there was a big world out there and thought he might not ever want to come back once he left. They walked back towards the houses and knew it would be hard to keep their love from showing, but knew they had to for the family’s sake, especially the other children with whom they had such close bonds. They planned to meet again the next day at the same place and as they drew near the houses, they separated after one last kiss and went about their chores, but totally as two changed people in another world.